shifted

i've shifted to anivivonly.wordpress.com

alright. shall admit that i'm seriously affected by the fact that he'll be leaving in abt 49hrs time. i do not know how am i gonna face everything, how my life will be and all. i really want to leave with him but i just cant. i'm not sad and not worried about things changing becaue i know it wont. but it's just this feeling in me. the feeling that make me cry involuntarily. honestly, i cant focus for my last UT and i'm so not prepared for NHG poster making. all i want to do is to be alone. all alone in my room with my everything, no1 bothering me or even askin " are you ok". i'm seriously irritated by it. so please... keep that all away. after seeing him off, i just wanna head to a place where i can just shut up, not questioned and prolly cry. i just dont know why im crying.

ps: i'll really miss you dear..

i'm feeling stupid again. doing my best in school and fighting a losing battle. it's super impossible to get diploma with dist. reading at others' success on poly students getting scholarship, its like one in a million. getting 29As out of 30 and GPA of 4.0. that's the only way to get a scholarship. dietetics? kinda impossible as s'pore don't have such a course and its very impossible to study overseas. school fees is 110k for the whole 4 yrs. what about lodging and all? family not tat rich to afford. well, now i'm left with 1 route, NTU MSE. if i'm lucky, i can make it to NUS chemistry. and soon the next thing will be honours. i'm not worrying but just facing reality ( the fact that studyin overseas is impossible)

im busy with FYP this week. presentation on 18th and i'll be doe with FYP (1). and also the commencement of FYP(2).next week will be UT week and i'm able to drive out on mon and tues (: dad's out of town. well, have to sent him to the airport and fetch him when he's back. and i'll skip lesson on monday to study for stemcell's UT (tues). afterall, its an easy problem for that day.

hmm, i have officially 40 more days to have my dear with me in s'pore :(. sad but yea... i'll spend most of my time with him and only him. sorry to all those i've been neglecting as he's comes in 1st priority for now. i wun be able to see him for the next 9 mths. so do bear with me. u guys gotta understand that i only have 40days with him and i'll have time for u guys once he leaves.

sorry.

"Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do"
"Accept the past as past without denying it and discarding it"
"Learn to forgive yourself and forgive others"

yea, think about what you want to want to acheive and not ways you can avoid things

when will i have the right mind to do stuff? sigh-

i'm not sad or whatever, just feelin out of place. at this very moment, i just wanna shut myself up( with my everything of coz) and do get all things done! yea, things cant be in my way all the time but at least i try to put them in place. i know it's not the place i'm in. it's the people i'm facing , parents. if they ever go on holiday i will be god damn glad to stay here all by myself. whenever i'm home, i'll get so frustrated and ass up with every little thing. and the moment all this came to me, i caved in for food ( any sort). after munching them i'l feel sucky. what's getting on my nerves?? i cant blame anyone but myself. i'm out of control :s

WERID HUNGERS. taking about werid hungers im feeling hungry most of the time. or sometimes not even hungry!! this is bad! nth can ease hunger except gassy stuff.. sigh- can just gulp coke down? i seriously need them, like BADLY! gums din help as much. it will give me jaw aches! im not going to say im fat (despite the increase in fat mass) but i'm so going to switch my eating habits to chicken chicken chicken. i need the extra muscles mass so that i wun feel fat. dont be lazy!

ok.. i admit! i dont know what's running in my mind at this very point of time :s

sigh-

time's pasing real fast!

things are really fine.. just need to get back to my oldself. times when i reflect frequently. thinking about every possible stuff. now, my future is at stake! and it seems as though i'm not doing anything to it.. sigh , whole life wasted. i better get things right. do it once and do it right. there's no1 to blame. things wun get going if you do a thing to move it. i'll motivate myself to move on well. its for the sake of my future. i prefer the old me for certain stuff yet i want to rerase my past.shouldnt have given up back then.. now i'll make do with what i have and improve .

i cant upload pictures :s

I told you im getting fatter. I don’t know, somehow I felt that that layer of fat is building up, or why I not say “ I know its building up” I need to stay focus and keep all temptation away! Seriously, im unsure what my mind is on. I just feel sian. Everything I eat, or want to eat make me fat. sometimes I don’t see the substantial increase in weight but my clothes and mirror tell me that I’m growing fatter. Oh god! My face is getting rounder and I want to revert back to my old self. Ok this is bad and I know I will fail to revert back. Shall rectify my eating plan and resist all temptations. That shall include my fav. Anpan. Sigh.

alright. i'm finally done with my FYP report. its 60.9MB and i cant send it out by mail.

i deleberately skip data for FTIR, will see what the advisors comment on. now i'm off to bed. gotta be up the next 2 hours for gym.

i know i've done wrong once again. i'll stop sayin all sutff that makes u think i might be suffering from ED or might be one. but i need time to change i guess. cause i really fear that i will be fat again. ok, i admit that i always have plans to be anorexic ( at least once). but its the past. i just wanting to be more cautious about the stuff i'm consuming and this sound bad. you dont want me to be like your past or your fren, i know. you want me to have ample rest and eat well but im not doing it. i will eat after gym, i'm just being honest on what im eating and stuff. i dowan to lie straight in your face, no purpose in doing that.

give me time to adjust my perspective towards food. i begin to realise that i get pissed at certain stuff. alrdy tryin to "chill and cool down" i need time. you fats are like monsters. they're in you, they dont die, they jus hibernate. so yea. as long as i'm not emaciated i'm fine. really no big worry. as much as i want to skip sch and do the things i want, i know i cant do that. i'm born with defect and not even smart but i'm living wit it. we're different but we're makin the best out of it, you know that.

heh.. i'm still up despite sleeping late the previous night to study for stem cell. UT was pretty alright. not stressed up, phew~ thanks to KK and chingru, they are real good study buddies (:

well, i'm still up now because i want to do my FYP report, only half done so far i guess. left with results and analysis, conclusion, references and of cause i need to brush up more for intoduction and observation. will finish it on wed night and submit it. FYP and UT is not the only reason i'm up. another reason is , i ate pretty much for dinner and i guess studyin up will burn more? not too sure but im saving time. slep less, do more work (:

i have lab mgt UT tml and i haven really read through :S. pretty scary eh.. but my notes are done, no worries. as for material analysis (fri's UT) i'll study on thurs. so this week is like the burn midnight oil week.

and yea. i'm fine (:

loves-

i'm really nothing.. sigh. a knife just stab right thru and i'm feeling real real different for the 1st time. i thot i was a good girl. ya THOUGHT! all these are just nonsense. everybody is right. it's time to reflect. maybe im living in denial that i'm fine and alright? i really hope im not. im afraid that as time past we'll drift apart. due to time difference and probably things to talk about. i dont know. all these came thru way before we've started but i thot we can get those at the back of our head. my life have been tons tons better but what about yours? i really dont know. i'm really feeling lost. but at least i know a lil bit of what you're thinking. i really want to make this different and it will be the last one.

at this very moment, many things runs thru my mind and it just bring down to one thing. im not fit for him, sigh

i love you dear, i really do-

ok!! i'm coughing like OMG!! very badly till i lose my voice!

and i lost my runnig shoes. but the good news is, i bought a new pair :) 

it wil be a busy week for me again.. all dedicated to FYP report ( final draft by friday), poster( next wed) and abstract too.  BLESS ME! 

Ok..i’ve been overeating unreasonably! At the very point that I’m eating, I’m feeling so so alright. When I’m half done with my meal I feel full, but I’ll still finish it, I don’t know why. And by doing so, I’ll be damn full. Prolly am hour later, you’ll see me munching again!!! This is insane, despite being so full, I’ll just grab and eat. And it will never stop! I hate it! would anyone stop me from doing this? Sometimes I just feel like eating an apple, but I might end up having apples instead of AN APPLE.

Liking chee cheong fun (CCF) is alright, but I can have them every meal and when I’m just done with 1 serving I feel like having another. Outrageous isn’t it! Sick of being overweight? i have to admit that I am! I need to revert back to my old self! The self that im concern about the type of food I eat and will never eat unless my stomach calls out for food. I need my heads of broccoli, microwaved chicken and baby carrots badly!!!! Shall get it tml for Monday’s meal. No more biscuits, pretzels or any snacks!

i'm feeling a lil down i suppose? today's eating din hit me that badly but i put on 2kg! like wtf! OMG! i need free time to gym, rest and study! this is insane! im not going bongus fror nuts sure.. and sometimes i just want to stone, not eat,eat alot, gym, go crazy or sleep. whenever i shop at the supermarket, i'll buy to eat. but when i have them, i dont really want to eat. thinking that it might be too much at times. i wan to be vegetarian for the moment but yet again i want meat.

at times when i'm having my meal, i have nothing on my mind. At times i have stuff like. " omg, this will be super filling and i might eat too much today". and at times i'll eat, having nothing on my mind but cant stop. i'm just so afraid that i'm getting fat. BMI : 19? not even close. i simply dono what's in my mind. can i  just press the "pause" button?? sigh-

Don’t you think most of the time people make a mountain out of a molehill? I think it’s kinda ridiculous and plain childish when such stuff actually comes from my uncle! Well, it’s just a small issue. I’m just not aware of my surroundings and didn’t realize that my cousin walk pass me. I mean she din even bother give me a text that she saw me. So how can she expect me to know that we bum into each other? And apparently, she went home making casual remarks that she saw me. Now my uncle is making a big fuss about me not wanting to say “hi” when I see my cousin. Insane!

 Well, slept at 2.30am last night, after watching GG Esp24. Well, the fact is I can’t really sleep as I was too bloated due to buffet. I have food that’s for 3 people. And the next stupidest thing is I drank water, causing myself to feel so so bloated to the extent that I’ve attempted to puke. Apparently, thoughts came to my mind and I can’t bring myself to do it. Only manage to puke aprox 1-2 tspn. I weighed myself in the morning (as usual) and I put on weight! OMG! Not even going gym today because I have to really study for my UTs(lab mgt & materials processing)  and my body is aching from fri’s gym. Gotta head to gym on mon, wed, fri and sun this coming week, to compensate for this stupid buffet!

 

Lesson learnt : always avoid buffet or at least prepare yourself for it! 

the farewell dinner from IMRE  

apparently, evan paid it all 

the first day of school breakfast and desserts from house @ dempsey. they have the best strawberry shortcake  and its WARM!

the 2nd heart attack

i simply love his cooking (:

it's been a while since i last blog. and yea, here am i blogging. ( jeffy says that i have to share my happiness, nonsense) pictures will do the job (:  have been eating all this while. but i simply love the stuff that he cooks. its like DAMN EDIBLE ! its impossbile that i will skip my meals and have unwanted moodswings. yet again my cravings will be satisfied!

he gave me another heart attack on monday. bought me a red braun buffel wallet. and he still wants me to train harder to improve my heart's condition. omg~

school will start next week and i just cant wait for the scrumptious breakfast i will have. and it will definitely goes with a perfect sandwich for lunch! awesomy!!! i hope things will get better acadamically or else all i'll see is a bleak future..

at this very moment im cliss with my bf. i really still feel fat. but not turning anorexic for sure. i have lovely meals from him and sometimes he's just afraid that i dun eat..  my PT, frens and bf said that i've slim down.. but im still fat.  flabby everywhere despite training..  

so now, tell me how heavy i look. for sure im lighter than the bluefin tuna (64kg)

at this very moment.. i'm just afraid my dad will leave us. ( leave as in leave the mortal world) i mean.. how the hell am i able to survive with my mom? this is insane! but well let's hope the day will not be any sooner.. i mean if i have choice, i wud rather have my mom to leave first :x