shifted

i've shifted to anivivonly.wordpress.com

alright. shall admit that i'm seriously affected by the fact that he'll be leaving in abt 49hrs time. i do not know how am i gonna face everything, how my life will be and all. i really want to leave with him but i just cant. i'm not sad and not worried about things changing becaue i know it wont. but it's just this feeling in me. the feeling that make me cry involuntarily. honestly, i cant focus for my last UT and i'm so not prepared for NHG poster making. all i want to do is to be alone. all alone in my room with my everything, no1 bothering me or even askin " are you ok". i'm seriously irritated by it. so please... keep that all away. after seeing him off, i just wanna head to a place where i can just shut up, not questioned and prolly cry. i just dont know why im crying.

ps: i'll really miss you dear..

i'm feeling stupid again. doing my best in school and fighting a losing battle. it's super impossible to get diploma with dist. reading at others' success on poly students getting scholarship, its like one in a million. getting 29As out of 30 and GPA of 4.0. that's the only way to get a scholarship. dietetics? kinda impossible as s'pore don't have such a course and its very impossible to study overseas. school fees is 110k for the whole 4 yrs. what about lodging and all? family not tat rich to afford. well, now i'm left with 1 route, NTU MSE. if i'm lucky, i can make it to NUS chemistry. and soon the next thing will be honours. i'm not worrying but just facing reality ( the fact that studyin overseas is impossible)

im busy with FYP this week. presentation on 18th and i'll be doe with FYP (1). and also the commencement of FYP(2).next week will be UT week and i'm able to drive out on mon and tues (: dad's out of town. well, have to sent him to the airport and fetch him when he's back. and i'll skip lesson on monday to study for stemcell's UT (tues). afterall, its an easy problem for that day.

hmm, i have officially 40 more days to have my dear with me in s'pore :(. sad but yea... i'll spend most of my time with him and only him. sorry to all those i've been neglecting as he's comes in 1st priority for now. i wun be able to see him for the next 9 mths. so do bear with me. u guys gotta understand that i only have 40days with him and i'll have time for u guys once he leaves.

sorry.

"Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do"
"Accept the past as past without denying it and discarding it"
"Learn to forgive yourself and forgive others"

yea, think about what you want to want to acheive and not ways you can avoid things

when will i have the right mind to do stuff? sigh-

i'm not sad or whatever, just feelin out of place. at this very moment, i just wanna shut myself up( with my everything of coz) and do get all things done! yea, things cant be in my way all the time but at least i try to put them in place. i know it's not the place i'm in. it's the people i'm facing , parents. if they ever go on holiday i will be god damn glad to stay here all by myself. whenever i'm home, i'll get so frustrated and ass up with every little thing. and the moment all this came to me, i caved in for food ( any sort). after munching them i'l feel sucky. what's getting on my nerves?? i cant blame anyone but myself. i'm out of control :s

WERID HUNGERS. taking about werid hungers im feeling hungry most of the time. or sometimes not even hungry!! this is bad! nth can ease hunger except gassy stuff.. sigh- can just gulp coke down? i seriously need them, like BADLY! gums din help as much. it will give me jaw aches! im not going to say im fat (despite the increase in fat mass) but i'm so going to switch my eating habits to chicken chicken chicken. i need the extra muscles mass so that i wun feel fat. dont be lazy!

ok.. i admit! i dont know what's running in my mind at this very point of time :s

sigh-

time's pasing real fast!

things are really fine.. just need to get back to my oldself. times when i reflect frequently. thinking about every possible stuff. now, my future is at stake! and it seems as though i'm not doing anything to it.. sigh , whole life wasted. i better get things right. do it once and do it right. there's no1 to blame. things wun get going if you do a thing to move it. i'll motivate myself to move on well. its for the sake of my future. i prefer the old me for certain stuff yet i want to rerase my past.shouldnt have given up back then.. now i'll make do with what i have and improve .

i cant upload pictures :s

I told you im getting fatter. I don’t know, somehow I felt that that layer of fat is building up, or why I not say “ I know its building up” I need to stay focus and keep all temptation away! Seriously, im unsure what my mind is on. I just feel sian. Everything I eat, or want to eat make me fat. sometimes I don’t see the substantial increase in weight but my clothes and mirror tell me that I’m growing fatter. Oh god! My face is getting rounder and I want to revert back to my old self. Ok this is bad and I know I will fail to revert back. Shall rectify my eating plan and resist all temptations. That shall include my fav. Anpan. Sigh.

alright. i'm finally done with my FYP report. its 60.9MB and i cant send it out by mail.

i deleberately skip data for FTIR, will see what the advisors comment on. now i'm off to bed. gotta be up the next 2 hours for gym.

i know i've done wrong once again. i'll stop sayin all sutff that makes u think i might be suffering from ED or might be one. but i need time to change i guess. cause i really fear that i will be fat again. ok, i admit that i always have plans to be anorexic ( at least once). but its the past. i just wanting to be more cautious about the stuff i'm consuming and this sound bad. you dont want me to be like your past or your fren, i know. you want me to have ample rest and eat well but im not doing it. i will eat after gym, i'm just being honest on what im eating and stuff. i dowan to lie straight in your face, no purpose in doing that.

give me time to adjust my perspective towards food. i begin to realise that i get pissed at certain stuff. alrdy tryin to "chill and cool down" i need time. you fats are like monsters. they're in you, they dont die, they jus hibernate. so yea. as long as i'm not emaciated i'm fine. really no big worry. as much as i want to skip sch and do the things i want, i know i cant do that. i'm born with defect and not even smart but i'm living wit it. we're different but we're makin the best out of it, you know that.

heh.. i'm still up despite sleeping late the previous night to study for stem cell. UT was pretty alright. not stressed up, phew~ thanks to KK and chingru, they are real good study buddies (:

well, i'm still up now because i want to do my FYP report, only half done so far i guess. left with results and analysis, conclusion, references and of cause i need to brush up more for intoduction and observation. will finish it on wed night and submit it. FYP and UT is not the only reason i'm up. another reason is , i ate pretty much for dinner and i guess studyin up will burn more? not too sure but im saving time. slep less, do more work (:

i have lab mgt UT tml and i haven really read through :S. pretty scary eh.. but my notes are done, no worries. as for material analysis (fri's UT) i'll study on thurs. so this week is like the burn midnight oil week.

and yea. i'm fine (:

loves-

i'm really nothing.. sigh. a knife just stab right thru and i'm feeling real real different for the 1st time. i thot i was a good girl. ya THOUGHT! all these are just nonsense. everybody is right. it's time to reflect. maybe im living in denial that i'm fine and alright? i really hope im not. im afraid that as time past we'll drift apart. due to time difference and probably things to talk about. i dont know. all these came thru way before we've started but i thot we can get those at the back of our head. my life have been tons tons better but what about yours? i really dont know. i'm really feeling lost. but at least i know a lil bit of what you're thinking. i really want to make this different and it will be the last one.

at this very moment, many things runs thru my mind and it just bring down to one thing. im not fit for him, sigh

i love you dear, i really do-

ok!! i'm coughing like OMG!! very badly till i lose my voice!

and i lost my runnig shoes. but the good news is, i bought a new pair :) 

it wil be a busy week for me again.. all dedicated to FYP report ( final draft by friday), poster( next wed) and abstract too.  BLESS ME! 

Ok..i’ve been overeating unreasonably! At the very point that I’m eating, I’m feeling so so alright. When I’m half done with my meal I feel full, but I’ll still finish it, I don’t know why. And by doing so, I’ll be damn full. Prolly am hour later, you’ll see me munching again!!! This is insane, despite being so full, I’ll just grab and eat. And it will never stop! I hate it! would anyone stop me from doing this? Sometimes I just feel like eating an apple, but I might end up having apples instead of AN APPLE.

Liking chee cheong fun (CCF) is alright, but I can have them every meal and when I’m just done with 1 serving I feel like having another. Outrageous isn’t it! Sick of being overweight? i have to admit that I am! I need to revert back to my old self! The self that im concern about the type of food I eat and will never eat unless my stomach calls out for food. I need my heads of broccoli, microwaved chicken and baby carrots badly!!!! Shall get it tml for Monday’s meal. No more biscuits, pretzels or any snacks!

i'm feeling a lil down i suppose? today's eating din hit me that badly but i put on 2kg! like wtf! OMG! i need free time to gym, rest and study! this is insane! im not going bongus fror nuts sure.. and sometimes i just want to stone, not eat,eat alot, gym, go crazy or sleep. whenever i shop at the supermarket, i'll buy to eat. but when i have them, i dont really want to eat. thinking that it might be too much at times. i wan to be vegetarian for the moment but yet again i want meat.

at times when i'm having my meal, i have nothing on my mind. At times i have stuff like. " omg, this will be super filling and i might eat too much today". and at times i'll eat, having nothing on my mind but cant stop. i'm just so afraid that i'm getting fat. BMI : 19? not even close. i simply dono what's in my mind. can i  just press the "pause" button?? sigh-

Don’t you think most of the time people make a mountain out of a molehill? I think it’s kinda ridiculous and plain childish when such stuff actually comes from my uncle! Well, it’s just a small issue. I’m just not aware of my surroundings and didn’t realize that my cousin walk pass me. I mean she din even bother give me a text that she saw me. So how can she expect me to know that we bum into each other? And apparently, she went home making casual remarks that she saw me. Now my uncle is making a big fuss about me not wanting to say “hi” when I see my cousin. Insane!

 Well, slept at 2.30am last night, after watching GG Esp24. Well, the fact is I can’t really sleep as I was too bloated due to buffet. I have food that’s for 3 people. And the next stupidest thing is I drank water, causing myself to feel so so bloated to the extent that I’ve attempted to puke. Apparently, thoughts came to my mind and I can’t bring myself to do it. Only manage to puke aprox 1-2 tspn. I weighed myself in the morning (as usual) and I put on weight! OMG! Not even going gym today because I have to really study for my UTs(lab mgt & materials processing)  and my body is aching from fri’s gym. Gotta head to gym on mon, wed, fri and sun this coming week, to compensate for this stupid buffet!

 

Lesson learnt : always avoid buffet or at least prepare yourself for it! 

the farewell dinner from IMRE  

apparently, evan paid it all 

the first day of school breakfast and desserts from house @ dempsey. they have the best strawberry shortcake  and its WARM!

the 2nd heart attack

i simply love his cooking (:

it's been a while since i last blog. and yea, here am i blogging. ( jeffy says that i have to share my happiness, nonsense) pictures will do the job (:  have been eating all this while. but i simply love the stuff that he cooks. its like DAMN EDIBLE ! its impossbile that i will skip my meals and have unwanted moodswings. yet again my cravings will be satisfied!

he gave me another heart attack on monday. bought me a red braun buffel wallet. and he still wants me to train harder to improve my heart's condition. omg~

school will start next week and i just cant wait for the scrumptious breakfast i will have. and it will definitely goes with a perfect sandwich for lunch! awesomy!!! i hope things will get better acadamically or else all i'll see is a bleak future..

at this very moment im cliss with my bf. i really still feel fat. but not turning anorexic for sure. i have lovely meals from him and sometimes he's just afraid that i dun eat..  my PT, frens and bf said that i've slim down.. but im still fat.  flabby everywhere despite training..  

so now, tell me how heavy i look. for sure im lighter than the bluefin tuna (64kg)

at this very moment.. i'm just afraid my dad will leave us. ( leave as in leave the mortal world) i mean.. how the hell am i able to survive with my mom? this is insane! but well let's hope the day will not be any sooner.. i mean if i have choice, i wud rather have my mom to leave first :x

eugene, maurice, yanwei, xiaoye, me,lisa

the schoolars are IEP students
hahahaha... yanwei is gonna enjoy his life for the moment before he suffers in imperial!
nevertheless, shall wish him all the best and get a damn phd! hahahaha
will be having an outing with them real soon.. like 11march!! woooooooo-

once again march i'm filled with stuff and its in the same week!
11march : imre people
14march : outing with yaoyang and others
14march night: out with jeffy and all :)

have been kinda busy and simply have no time for entries..and somehow i spent alot!!! i bought 3 books from US and an osim ucount from ebay.finally i got mself a pedometer to track calories burnt.. so so gonna use it for tml gym session. 

today is the official start of EHS training and its kinda dry..

and recently i'm so confuse with my thoughts! confused about my future! once again about acadamic grades and courses for Uni. and i guess local Unis are the only choice. so should i have applied chemistry or materials science engineering??? engineering might kill me because of semicon! i rather work in oil refinery as compared to tech, chartered SSMC.. like -_-

yanwei is leaving astar soon . like tml is his last day. aww so sad.. he's so gonna enjoy life till it time to fly for imperial (london). attaching in astar will make you feel that you're the stupidest in the world!! everybody at least has a masters or they are damn bloody good scholar! scholars that have 4As, 2S paper and GP A1. come'on this is insane!!!

this semester, my gpa was not impressive. expected but still disappointed. got 3.56 at least it din drop. if i were to get straight As for yr 3 the max i hit will be 3.8. possible? sigh

all i can say is, vivian is tired ttm!

my eyes are shutting and here i am struggling.

to stay awake for every minute. 

my slots are pack so back to back and it cant seems to have a break

now the only thing i can do , is not be lazy and move to the groove.

my cucumber eyepads are waiting for me!! and i guess i'll save it till i really need it!

its the 2nd week of the attachment and i guess i'm doing well.  eventhough its all about semiconductors and my focus will be solar cell. i hope it all goes well. for the last week. shall not talk more on IA :)overall, my days are like pretty much BUSY! and somehow my brain dont want to acknowledge the tiredness. with shutting eyes and propagating  dark eye bags, i sure i'm stressing unknowingly with FYP,IA and tuition. 

sigh- 

i'm growing fatter thanks to cny ( the initiator)! and i simply hate it. i need to diet badly. or else those polymers and fibers will be resting in my wardrobe, and its bad. so people, when you guys sees me eating uncontrollably, please stop me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF!!

pictures will be up soon and thanks to everyone!!

especially those that surprise me at hardrock!

headed down for ice cream @ valley point, unfortunately its close! i was pretty sad about it because have craving and looking forward. so headed off to the cathay and grab tix for bride wars. it's comedy plus romance. its something that you'll never expect and you can put yourself in their shoes. 2 best friends become rivals when the schedule their respective weddings on the same day. its quite hurting and  i do not know when i've become so emotional. once again i teared in the theatres. some people will not like this show nd it's only a 1.5 star out there.

but if you girls want to see what's wedding , you should try watching.  

and lastly ANNA HATHAWAY is GORGEOUS!

happy lunar new year (:
hahh.. its been a fruitful yet tiring and sinful period! with all those goodies and steamboats!
CNY is a time when everybody comes together and EAT! all chinese know is eat eat eat! hahaha. and the best thing is i had my dimsum today!! wooo-
shall not type much..

ps: enjoying and hope gd things dun end like this :)

the chomp chomp + chinatown + lau pa sat night out(:

 

had so much fun and ate super lot! and of cux our lovely jeffery drove us down and we met edw, cel and lulu over at chinatown.. its like the best chinatown walk ever! not much ppl so dun need to squeeze at all! and i like it! many many pictures and soon we'll have tiong bahru breakfast!! yippiie!

BUT BEFORE THAT! we're havin reunione dinner on chu san!!! lovely! simply cant wait! i just wonder how can we have non eating events! hahaha or else im so so getting fatter !!! 

ps: people come and goes, so appreciate it and stay with it (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WAN MEIQI!!!
(as of 14 Jan )

it's my mom's bday too and had dian xiao er for dinner. was a supper filling dinner. after that was a lil shopping @ cwp. cant belive i got a formal white blouse from G2000. after that i waited for jeff n j @cwp.

jeff finally drove us out!! well, he din take ages to do so and we make it on mQ's bday :) with a 1 week old certified driver, he pick us up @ cwp and drove down to pick mQ up at cityhall . Then off to boat quay for dessert. had so much fun and was super tempted to drink. but all of us have UT tml so yea.. had some wonderful dessert @ coffee club even though we're too late for nectarie. well, we got her a bag and a dress! din manage to take a picture as i hand the stuff over to her before my FYP meeting (1pm). and for the very first time, we wore so *%$@#$% to boat quay!!! only mQ was properly dressed. if we're dressed nicely, the girls might end up in zirca, fashion bar and some others! hahaha.


today is my official start of FYP and yea, having 3 meetings next week! seems rushy but we have to do as IEP will affect us quite abit. PI is aiming for NHG'09 and we're doing our very best..

i skipped school today and typically did nothing!  had tuition and then dinner w j,celine,edw, louis @ lot 1. we had this hk food knda thing. was not too bad (:

this is the sweetest picture ever! i swear! 

i've watched gossip girl S02 Esp 14, omg it's like i alomost cried.. hmmm..

was sad yet awwww- ( celine please dont add anything in my statement for this eh ! )

its finally friday tml!! yea yea.. 2 more weeks and it is cny! so fast yet slow. 

yippie! join sundown!

it's the 3rd day of school and i simply cant wait for cny likewise for school holidays!

in 6days time, it's the commencement of my final tests. and once again, i have to study to the max in order to maintain my gpa. things are not going real well this semester and yea my grades can tell. 

i've been trying to organize my time well enough that things dont clash and at the same time i can get my things done. with the upcoming tests, i have to make space for revision and at the same time i cant forgo driving and tuition lessons. and when all tests are over, the next BIG THING that's replacing sch will be attachment. at this very moment i'm trying to fit all my "events" unclash. so i can study,work, tutor,learn and play well.. it's really a hard job.

finally, i understand the hardwork of teaching and why parents do get more than 1 assessment book for each subject. or why not let's put it in a way wherby the publisher are smart enough to split topical revision and exam format revision. so that they can earn by making you buy more. 

oh ya, i began to like teaching. it really teach me patience.

let's join sundown!!! 

if i could i would.

i've been having the same new year's resolution for a couple of years. coming to think about it maybe i din put in much effort to fulfil it.  to fulfil it, i have to change myself into another person. a person which is like totally opposite from the current me.

came to a mid point on certain stuffs. 

some stuffs are just not meant to be done.  

i mean i cant possibily be with them everytime. i'll go insane. 

things that i give to friends , they dun really like it.

things i give to parents friends will talk abt it.

all because both party dont understand. things that i wan and things that i can have are different. so yea..

much thanks to mr counsellor :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
was over at mel's place(countdown) and had FUN! ( pics will do the talking )
met km and jeron in town after shopping with family
bought a dress and top @ topshop = $140
movie and home-d

friday

work: was some company's D&D and my job is to make picture badges

met jes,timon, kh and their friends at flyers after work.

dinner: ate at some cafe + bar place at flyers. was alright.

saturday
day: was at home practically the whole day ( rare)
but i'm home alone so it was not that bad after all :)
wii-ed, facebook-ed and online-d

night: went party @ st james. first time being at supafly.
music was not that bad but again there were some unfriendly ones. but afterall it's far better than phuture
people attended: myself, j, jeff,celine,jes,goose + some of his frens,timon,kh,mel,km,louis,edw 
met some friends there but din catch up much. goose and friends open bottle but i din join in. jef was super high. sober but dizzy.
puked when otw back. j n jef stayed over at my place:) was so sweet of them to acc me thru the night.

sunday ( not really in a gd mood)
j n i headed to cityhall and we persuaded celine to come along
had lerk thai. bought my hair sutff and a pair of sandals
well typically, i spent like i have all the money. * dont bother at all*