I told you im getting fatter. I don’t know, somehow I felt that that layer of fat is building up, or why I not say “ I know its building up” I need to stay focus and keep all temptation away! Seriously, im unsure what my mind is on. I just feel sian. Everything I eat, or want to eat make me fat. sometimes I don’t see the substantial increase in weight but my clothes and mirror tell me that I’m growing fatter. Oh god! My face is getting rounder and I want to revert back to my old self. Ok this is bad and I know I will fail to revert back. Shall rectify my eating plan and resist all temptations. That shall include my fav. Anpan. Sigh.

alright. i'm finally done with my FYP report. its 60.9MB and i cant send it out by mail.

i deleberately skip data for FTIR, will see what the advisors comment on. now i'm off to bed. gotta be up the next 2 hours for gym.

i know i've done wrong once again. i'll stop sayin all sutff that makes u think i might be suffering from ED or might be one. but i need time to change i guess. cause i really fear that i will be fat again. ok, i admit that i always have plans to be anorexic ( at least once). but its the past. i just wanting to be more cautious about the stuff i'm consuming and this sound bad. you dont want me to be like your past or your fren, i know. you want me to have ample rest and eat well but im not doing it. i will eat after gym, i'm just being honest on what im eating and stuff. i dowan to lie straight in your face, no purpose in doing that.

give me time to adjust my perspective towards food. i begin to realise that i get pissed at certain stuff. alrdy tryin to "chill and cool down" i need time. you fats are like monsters. they're in you, they dont die, they jus hibernate. so yea. as long as i'm not emaciated i'm fine. really no big worry. as much as i want to skip sch and do the things i want, i know i cant do that. i'm born with defect and not even smart but i'm living wit it. we're different but we're makin the best out of it, you know that.

heh.. i'm still up despite sleeping late the previous night to study for stem cell. UT was pretty alright. not stressed up, phew~ thanks to KK and chingru, they are real good study buddies (:

well, i'm still up now because i want to do my FYP report, only half done so far i guess. left with results and analysis, conclusion, references and of cause i need to brush up more for intoduction and observation. will finish it on wed night and submit it. FYP and UT is not the only reason i'm up. another reason is , i ate pretty much for dinner and i guess studyin up will burn more? not too sure but im saving time. slep less, do more work (:

i have lab mgt UT tml and i haven really read through :S. pretty scary eh.. but my notes are done, no worries. as for material analysis (fri's UT) i'll study on thurs. so this week is like the burn midnight oil week.

and yea. i'm fine (:

loves-

i'm really nothing.. sigh. a knife just stab right thru and i'm feeling real real different for the 1st time. i thot i was a good girl. ya THOUGHT! all these are just nonsense. everybody is right. it's time to reflect. maybe im living in denial that i'm fine and alright? i really hope im not. im afraid that as time past we'll drift apart. due to time difference and probably things to talk about. i dont know. all these came thru way before we've started but i thot we can get those at the back of our head. my life have been tons tons better but what about yours? i really dont know. i'm really feeling lost. but at least i know a lil bit of what you're thinking. i really want to make this different and it will be the last one.

at this very moment, many things runs thru my mind and it just bring down to one thing. im not fit for him, sigh

i love you dear, i really do-